A writer and poet who fell in love with science...
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If my arrogance shows
Will I be able to grow?
If I continue to speak
Will I be seen as weak?
If I accept one’s heart
Will I feel ripped apart?
If I accept one as they are
Will I see them as a star?
What will happen if I let these thoughts flow?
Will they explode?
How far will these thoughts go?
Will they slow?
How will I know?
These unknowns weigh a heavy an anchor on my heart.
Stuck between a desk and a chair
I wonder if there will ever be a time to prepare
For a life beyond a desk and making ends meet
If so I am sure people would take pride
in this life’s treat
A wall to my back this anxiety is numbing
It presses and presses, becoming all my focus
It doesn’t move up or down for my comfort,
It just stays pressed against my shoulder blades
and the beginning of the back of my neck
My eyes wander and my hands hover
I pivot and turn around but there is nothing to be found
This wall to my back is unnerving but no one sees this wall
I cannot see this wall
But I feel it pressing and pressing
and my eyes wander for help
and my eyes twitch and sweat
But nothing is found to be wrong
But I feel wrong
I am alerted to a danger that is not here
But sitting at a desk for hours on end
Has fried my brain and made my mind bend
I let you into my heart space so that you could grow
You reached out with your hand rather than your soul
And gripped my heart so I would feel like I was losing control
You were the only one who bothered to stay though
All the others I let in took their piece of my heart space and left
Leaving me stranded and utterly alone
And you were going to do that too
Until I gripped your hand with mine to make a union from two
You then clung harder to my heart
As I clung harder to you
Your grip became toxic on my heart
And my grip became toxic to you
You wanted me to let you go
So you squeezed my heart farther than it was supposed to go
My heart burst as I clung to your hand
But my grip was weak so you took your chance and left
You left me stranded with a broken heart
You left me and now sorrow fills my soul
Now you stand before me again
Offering me your heart instead of your hand
I then looked at the shambles of my heart and formed a plan
A plan that replaced my sorrow with heaviness and dread
And now every time I look at you and see myself smile
I remember the pain of your words and how you broke the love I gave to you
You now want me to apologize for pain I have caused you
But in order for me to do that I’d have to find it in myself to forgive you
And I wish I could say I am sorry
For breaking your heart like you broke mine
But I cannot and will not
Until you find it within yourself
To be the better version of you than you are right now
Because the person you have become
Is not the friend that became my family
You’re now just a stranger to my soul
Leave a CommentIt’s another cycle I put myself into
I guess I just have to ride it out until I figure it out
Despite knowing the pattern, the hurt still will ensue
I’ve never learned how to stop my repetitive burn
I guess I just have to ride it out until I figure it out
It’s another cycle I put myself into
I’ve never learned how to stop my repetitive burn
I guess I just have to ride it out until I figure it out
Despite knowing the pattern, the hurt still will ensue
I’ve never learned how to stop my repetitive burn
I guess I just have to ride it out until I figure it out
It’s another cycle I put myself into
I’ve never learned how to stop my repetitive burn
I guess I just have to ride it out until I figure it out
Despite knowing the pattern, the hurt still will ensue
I’ve never learned how to stop my repetitive burn
I guess I just have to ride it out until I figure it out
It’s another cycle I put myself into
Despite knowing the pattern, the hurt still will ensue
I am spiraling beneath my skin
Waiting for a new release to begin
So that I may be free of this internal contempt
I have chosen to keep myself in
I can feel my hands pulling away from my body
As they lay flat along the bed
It’s weird seeing ghostly hands in front of my eyes
As they reach for the ceiling above me
While I simultaneously see my physical hands lay idle beside me
I can feel myself sinking inward
I cannot escape this grip
My mind is splitting
It’s drawing more lines that must never be crossed
Yet I find I keep crossing them with time
I am losing myself in this reality
Feeling I have wasted my time and energy
Getting myself out of survival mode is tough
When it’s combatting with living mode, it is rough.
I am spiraling beneath my skin
I am splitting
I am falling
I am gripping
I am internally crying
For I do not wish to swim
In my own pool of fresh tears.
I am spiraling beneath my skin.
I do not know where else to go or begin.
I am spiraling beneath my skin.
Oh quicksand, how you once drew me in.
I am spiraling beneath my skin.
I’m feeling lost and powerless,
Where do I begin?
I can feel this bubbling rage inside of me
every time someone who claims to take action and accountability,
in actuality avoids it.
They state, “I have done my part, it’s now on them!”
Never recognizing that,
they only share their thoughts and feelings with me,
the uninvolved party,
and never the parties they claim to have informed.
I can feel this bubbling rage inside of me
at all this pent up hurt and grief
that will never get shared with
the outside world.
I can feel this bubbling rage inside of me
leaking out and over from the back of my throat
into the words I write or speak,
causing confusion to those around me
who have no idea what I am thinking
what I am feeling
what even led me to make those comments.
I can feel this bubbling rage inside of me
fizzling out slowly as reality sets in.
This rage inside me, it pushed me to jump,
to react to the stimuli that found its way to me.
But now that I have reacted,
a reality check cools my rage
and the rage that was leaking out
eventually sinks back down to the pit of my stomach,
leaving me to now wonder, if I was the one to overreact.
I can no longer feel this bubbling rage inside me
And I am not sure I even felt it in the first place.
But I must have, right?
Or did I delude myself to thinking,
that there was still rage left to be had?
I can’t feel this bubbling rage inside of me
Yet I feel the aftermath of its existence.
I can’t feel this bubbling rage inside of me
and for that I am glad.
Do not wish for the worst on your enemy
As your worst could be his very best
Instead wish for his life to be full,
lively,
and to always bestow him
with minor inconveniences
Wish for him to stub his toe
while walking into an opened door or hall
Wish for him to get a flat tire
just before he enters his driveway
Wish for him to have only cold soup
when he is minorly sick
Wish for him to talk to his neighbor
that he avoids like the plague
Wish for him to lose by one point
in any game he enjoys and plays
Wish for him to be short a penny
on every other groceries he buys
But do not wish for the worst for him
Do not plead with the sky for his demise
For he can always recover from a one time, devastating event
But multiple, consistent, minor inconveniences
that never seem to end?
That is a surefire way
to get your enemy to bend
I am a sponge when I want to be
And I am a sponge when I don’t
I am a great listener by choice
And a selective listener by force
I consistently absorb the information around me
Never knowing what to do
with all this knowledge
I find myself with
I sponge up what’s around me
The good and the bad
Never knowing how to squeeze myself out
once I get overwhelmed with what I know is around
I am always hearing what is said
no matter how much I may block my ears out
So I acknowledge what sounds good
and ignore what sounds bad
Bearing the consequences
of what can’t be squeezed out
and what I cannot turn a deaf ear to
But I will never escape
these emotions and words
that always make their way
to me and seemingly no one else
I will always be
finding myself wearing
the other person’s shoes
as if they were my own
And I will wear the soles out
until the balls of my feet show
in hopes that maybe then
Someone will see the person that I am
Rather than the sponge they have to dry out
and the ears they have to block the sound out
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